Something’s wrong with the world today

Dear Wife:

I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.Last week, you came home and didn’t even notice that I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband and wife.Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.

Your EX-Husband

P.S. Don’t try to find me. Your SISTER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life!

Dear Ex-Husband

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been.I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn’t work.I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.And when you cooked my favourite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the £49.99 price tag was still on them, and I prayed that it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed fifty quid from me that morning.After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I hit the lottery for ten million pounds, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica. But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason, I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a penny from me. So take care

Signed,Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell and Free!

P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

——————————————————————————–

You may have seen before but it still makes you smile

In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) — “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh!)

==========================

On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)

===========================

On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5 year-olds with head-colds off those bulldozers.)

==========================

On Marks &Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)

=======================

On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(That’s the only time I have to work on my hair.)

====================================

On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)

===========================

On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be???….)

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On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(but, it’s just a suggestion.)

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On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me time?)

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On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(..I’m taking this because???….)

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On most brands of Christmas lights — “For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to what?)

==========================

On a Japanese food processor — “Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious.)

==============================

On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: say what?)

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On a child’s Superman costume — “Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

========================

On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

===========================

Now that you’ve smiled at least once, it’s your turn to spread the stupidity to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even chuckle)…

=============================

****Blessed are the cracked: for it is they who let in the “light”*****

>Problems With Upgrading
>
>
>A few months ago, I upgraded from DrinkingMates 4.2 to Girlfriend 1.0
>which I had been told for years wouldn’t give me any trouble. However,
>there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only
>solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
>To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other
>applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9.
>Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no
>better!
>
>I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left
>a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several
>weeks.
>
>Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at
>the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected
>each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
>
>I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product
>soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use
>up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with
>FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2007.
>
>Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very
>unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were
>automatically stored in Wife 1.0’s memory and could not be deleted. They
>then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.
>Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and
>can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these
>latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the
>problem is.
>Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring
>Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which
>need to be reinstalled every other week.
>Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Alfa Romeo 159 hard drive, it
>often
>crashes.
>Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law,
>which can’t be turned off.
>
>I’ve recently been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I’ve heard
>there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact
>that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007 it tends to take total control of
>your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all
>of your shared resources

> >> One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him,
> >> “My
> >> elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
> >>
> >> “Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
> >>
> >> “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine
> >> sample
> >> and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it.
> >>
> >> It takes ten seconds and costs $10 - A lot cheaper than a doctor.”
> >>
> >> So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart.
> >>
> >> He deposits $10, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample.
> >> He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
> >>
> >> 10 seconds later, the computer ejects a printout:
> >>
> >> “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy
> >> activity. It will improve in 2 weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.”
> >>
> >> That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe
> >> began
> >> wondering if the computer could be fooled.
> >>
> >> He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from
> >> his
> >> wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure.
> >>
> >> Joe hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits $10,
> >> pours in his concoction, and a waits the results.
> >>
> >> The computer prints the following:
> >>
> >> 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
> >>
> >> 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
> >>
> >> 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
> >>
> >> 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
> >>
> >> 5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get
> >> better!
> >>
> >> Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart

I’m through with standin’ in line
To clubs I’ll never get in
It’s like the bottom of the ninth
And I’m never gonna win
This life hasn’t turned out
Quite the way I want it to be
(Tell me what you want)

I want a brand new house
On an episode of Cribs
And a bathroom I can play baseball in
And a king size tub big enough
For ten plus me
(Yeah, so tell what you need)

I’ll need a.. a credit card that’s got no limit
And a big black jet with a bedroom in it
Gonna join the mile high club
At thirty-seven thousand feet
–(Been there done that)–

I want a new tuned bus full of old guitars
My own star on Hollywood Boulevard
Somewhere between Cher and
James Dean is fine for me
(So how you gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life for fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair and change my name

[CHORUS]
‘Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses, driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat
And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And well…

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I wanna be great like Elvis without the tassels
Hire eight body guards that love to beat up assholes
Sign a couple autographs
So I can eat my meals for free
(I’ll have the quesadilla, ha ha)

I’m gonna dress my ass
With the latest fashion
Get a front door key to the Playboy mansion
Gonna date a centerfold that loves to
Blow my money for me

(So how you gonna do it?)

I’m gonna trade this life
For fortune and fame
I’d even cut my hair
And change my name

‘Cause we all just wanna be big rockstars and
Live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat
And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blonde hair
And we’ll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary of
Today’s who’s who
They’ll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody’s got a
Drug dealer on speed dial, well
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

I’m gonna sing those songs
That offend the censors
Gonna pop my pills
From a Pez dispenser

Get washed-up singers writing all my songs
Lip synch ‘em every night so I don’t get ‘em wrong

Well we all just wanna be big rockstars
And live in hilltop houses driving fifteen cars
The girls come easy and the drugs come cheap
We’ll all stay skinny ’cause we just won’t eat
And we’ll hang out in the coolest bars
In the VIP with the movie stars
Every good gold digger’s
Gonna wind up there
Every Playboy bunny
With her bleach blond hair
And we’ll hide out in the private rooms
With the latest dictionary and
Today’s who’s who
They’ll get you anything
with that evil smile
Everybody’s got a
Drug dealer on speed dial,well

Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar
Hey, hey, I wanna be a rockstar

So there has been a lot of talks lately about “The Oceanic Six” from the TV Episode “Lost”.

So we have a number: Six which comes from “oceanic six”. And a few names so far has been revelaed on the last two episodes (the last episode of 3rd season and the first episode of 4th season):

- Jack
- Kate
- Hurley

And this brings us to the question “Who are the remainder three of Oceanic Six?” So who do you think they are?

Below a list of characters that probably make it into the oceanic six:

-Sawyer
Pros:
He probably who Kate is with in Jack’s flashforward because in the season three closer kate mentions “he will be wondering where i am” as though jack knows “he” and that “he” will not be happy about there meeting, kate wants it to be a seacret.
Cons:
He went to Locke’s side, and Locke definetely does not want to leave the island.

-Claire and Aaron
Pros:
Desmond said so.

-Sayid
Pros:
He makes more sense than anybody else.
Cons:
He really doesn’t seem like the type to leave people behind.

-Sun
Pros:
if she stays on the island she will die
Cons:
She went to Locke’s side, and Locke definetely does not want to leave the island.

-Kate
Cons:
Did kate go home as kate? she is a wanted woman? or did she steal an identy of a dead passenger or on who stayed behind. Very difficult to do but on that island anything is possible.

-Locke
Cons:
There’s no way it’s Locke in my opinion, because Locke loves the island and is part of it now, and would never willingly leave it alive. That’s the same reason I don’t think it’s him in the coffin.

-Ben
Cons:
they wouldn’t be the “Oceanic” six.
Pros:
Ben might be the one who died and no one went to his funeral, think about it!

-Juliet
Cons:
they wouldn’t be the “Oceanic” six.

Michael
Pros:
He could be part of the “Oceanic Six.” We know he’s coming back this season. Maybe he gets rescued with the rest of them?

Desmond:
Cons:
Technically, Desmond could have gotten off too. He wasn’t on Oceanic 815, so why would he be considered a survivor?

NOW about the secret they are keeping- remember Jack came and wanted to know if Hurley did not “tell” - I believe that would be that there are more on the island who are alive, and if they tell, they will be in trouble for not bringing them back or saying something- like the people who came to rescue them told them they better not tell. That is why the black man who visited Hurley in the mental hospital asked “Are they still alive?” because he knows there are more on the island.

Well what do you think?

Long long time ago, in a kingdom far far away.
There lived a princess who was really chio.
All men lusted for her, all women were jealous of her looks.

However, she was born with a curse.
Any thing she touches will melt.
As such, the King was worried that his daughter will never find a man to marry.

One day, the King came up with an idea.
He sent word all over the kingdom about his daughter’s problem.
Any man who could break the curse will get to be with her.

On the day of selection, 3 men showed up.

The first man took out a piece of rock.
He proclaimed, this piece of rock,
was found in the deepest region of Dragon’s breath volcano.
It was this same volcano that destroyed whole the Kingdom of Titanius,
a Kingdom that was at least 5 times the size of ours, centuries ago.

The princess took the rock in her hand.
Unfortunately, an all too familiar scene took place.
The rock melted, and the man walked away dejectedly.

The second man then took out a chest.
When he opened it, there was a large cube with cold air being emitted out.
He proclaimed, this cube was being found in the coldest region at the end of the world.
Men have died trying to get it.
It has been in this kingdom for months, yet it has not melted one bit.

The princess went to feel the cube.
But yet again, the cube melted and left behind a watery mess.
The second man dropped his shoulders and walked away, disppointed.

Lastly, the third man stepped up.
He brought nothing with him.

The King then questioned,
“What do you have to show us?”

The man answered,
“I would like to ask your daughter to put her hand in my pocket”

“Excuse me?!” retorted the King

“Its alright father, I would like to give it a try.” said the princess,
as she walked towards the man.

Putting her hand in his pocket,
the man then asked her to reach deeper.

After a while, the man took the princess by her hand.
Nothing happened to him.
The curse was broken!!

Amazed, the King asked to see what was in the man’s pocket.

Gladly obliging, the man took out the items from his pocket.
And they are……
M&Ms!!!!!

Well coz everyone knows M&Ms milk chocolate,
melts in your mouth,
not in your HAND!!!

Long long time ago, in a kingdom far far away.
There lived a princess who was really chio.
All men lusted for her, all women were jealous of her looks.

However, she was born with a curse.
Any thing she touches will melt.
As such, the King was worried that his daughter will never find a man to marry.

One day, the King came up with an idea.
He sent word all over the kingdom about his daughter’s problem.
Any man who could break the curse will get to be with her.

On the day of selection, 3 men showed up.

The first man took out a piece of rock.
He proclaimed, this piece of rock,
was found in the deepest region of Dragon’s breath volcano.
It was this same volcano that destroyed whole the Kingdom of Titanius,
a Kingdom that was at least 5 times the size of ours, centuries ago.

The princess took the rock in her hand.
Unfortunately, an all too familiar scene took place.
The rock melted, and the man walked away dejectedly.

The second man then took out a chest.
When he opened it, there was a large cube with cold air being emitted out.
He proclaimed, this cube was being found in the coldest region at the end of the world.
Men have died trying to get it.
It has been in this kingdom for months, yet it has not melted one bit.

The princess went to feel the cube.
But yet again, the cube melted and left behind a watery mess.
The second man dropped his shoulders and walked away, disppointed.

Lastly, the third man stepped up.
He brought nothing with him.

The King then questioned,
“What do you have to show us?”

The man answered,
“I would like to ask your daughter to put her hand in my pocket”

“Excuse me?!” retorted the King

“Its alright father, I would like to give it a try.” said the princess,
as she walked towards the man.

Putting her hand in his pocket,
the man then asked her to reach deeper.

After a while, the man took the princess by her hand.
Nothing happened to him.
The curse was broken!!

Amazed, the King asked to see what was in the man’s pocket.

Gladly obliging, the man took out the items from his pocket.
And they are……
M&Ms!!!!!

Well coz everyone knows M&Ms milk chocolate,
melts in your mouth,
not in your HAND!!!

“Hey Look!” Jasmine Said

Both Mariena and Bee Sian looked at the pathway. A woman was carrying her Persian cat in her arm.

“Eh, She looks classy-lah,” Bee Sian remarked.

To their surprise, the cat leaped out and ran ahead.

“Oh , God!”

“Somebody, grab that woman’s pussy!” Jasmine shouted.

What am I saying? Jasmine wondered

A man went on a business to China and wanted to buy some gifts for
his kids. He went to a shop and found a nice looking CD player. Wary
of buying inferior goods, he asked the shopkeeper, ‘What would
happen if this does not work?’

The shopkeeper quietly points to the only sign in English that
reads, ‘GUARANTEE NO SPOILT’.

Feeling assured, he paid for the CD player and returns to his hotel.
He tried to use the CD player after returning to the hotel but it
would not even switch on.

He quickly return to the shop and asked for a refund or an exchange
for another unit. When the shopkeeper refuse to give either, the man
points to the sign assuring him of a guarantee.

The shopkeeper then said, ‘Brother, you are in China . We read from
the right to the left.